I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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