JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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