Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
