At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize