Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
A+ Viking dick
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
