the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
