I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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