I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
this is an emotional support booty call
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize