12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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