I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
