history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
