I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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