Is it because I queefed?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
