smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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