Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Randomize
