Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
