On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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