seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
