Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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