that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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