i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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