I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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