So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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