Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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