I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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