Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
