I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
