I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
