If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
