The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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