just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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