Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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