Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
