Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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