plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
