Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
