i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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