no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
