Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
