It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
