he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
