I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
