I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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