I just pynch a tree in the face
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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