If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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