guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Randomize
