Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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