My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
