I am puke
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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