I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
