I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
