Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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