Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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