I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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