In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
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