just come out here and I will go home with you...
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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