So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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