remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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