i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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