There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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