Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
