i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
