I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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