If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
